Chapter 9

RR through my eyes (Chapter 9)
From Rudra's POV -
My intention was not to make you cry. What the hell have I done ? How can I ever make you sad ? I am so sorry for shouting at you, Paro. You know very well that I get angry so fast. You had even got used to it. After the initial days you very nicely started ignoring my anger. Have you forgotten that as well ? Why are your eyes filled with tears now ? Main Gussa Nahin Hoon Paro. Main Aisa Hi Hoon. Normal Hoon. Tumhe toh Pata Hai Na. Why are you then crying ? Can I hug you and make it okay ? That Rohit must be lurking around. I am sure he will become more suspicious if I do that. I left the kerchief for you. With the RPR which was sewn on it by you. I can see that you are smiling looking at it. Are you smiling because you remember the kerchief ? Or are you smiling because of me leaving it behind ?


No, you do not remember anything. Sad. You are now more worried about Bhabhisa. Whether they will be fine. You kept on worring till Kakisa accepted the baby. You are so selfless. That is one thing you have not forgotten. And now I can see you walking away. Why Paro ? And you say it is because it is not correct to be in their middle when the family is united ? Aren't you the one who united them ? United our family ? Always ? The one who stopped Kakisa from going away after Maasa came back. The one who welcomed Shatabdi when no one stayed back for Grihapravesh. The one who brought peace between me and my Maasa. And you have now come back. To make our family complete. Thank Bholenath for bringing you back to me. Else I would not have been able to find you by myself. And now after all that you have done for me and my family you want to just walk away ? And youthink we have given you love without expextations ? What is it that you have showered on all of us ? As Paro first and then now as Myrah ? Oh dear, please do not start crying again. Let me wipe your tears away. I am still holding onto the truth and acting out this play so that you can be happy and chirpy as you are. So that not even one tear comes out of your eyes. Please stop. Varna Sambhaal Nahin Paaoonga Paro. Na Tujhe Na Apne Aapko. As usual you are holding onto my Rudraksha. Kuch  Yaad Aaya Paro ?


Why are you moving away ? Please don't. It feels like a part of my heart is breaking away. Especially when you go away crying.




Bhabhisa can see through my emotions clearly. She can see the love I have for you. But there is no way can I tell her anything. If she learns the truth, she will not be able to hide it from you. I had to tell her a lie - that I can manage even if you get married and go away. God please please forgive me for all these lies.


Bhabhisa is so simple. She is ever ready to forget and forgive. And she has already forgiven Kakisa. But I have not Paro. I know in my mind you have not either. That is one of the reasons you walked away from the place. You are happy for Bhabhisa that Kakisa came around. But we both can never put it behind us - all the atrocities she did. We both still suspect her for being responsible for being so cruel to us and my parents. I still do not believe Sumer had anything to do with the laddoo incident. Nor have we given a clean chit to Kakisa for the fire incident. She was solely responsible for bringing Laila in. That much I am sure. Anyway I hope you never fall prey to her in the future.


You are such a child at heart. The way you play with Dhruv and Koel. Running around the sofas. And you lost the game  because I did not hold you back. Because I was dreaming of carrying you around and hugging you and Dhruv. You asked me then , "Rudra, mujhe Jaane kyon diya ?"


In real life as Myrah you ask me to not let you go. And then you come in my dream as Paro and ask me to let you go. Say Paro is Sati and Myrah is Parvati. Whatever. I am not now interested in finding a parallel with the Gods. Why are you asking me to find love ? What are you trying to do to me ? Or is it my mind which is trying to tell me something. That I should not withhold display of love. That I should not keep waiting for Paro to emerge from you. That I should just accept you as you are today and move on ? But didn't you tell me in Jaipur that you will keep playing "Chor police " with me. That you will ask me about the hurt on my forehead. And I should ask you about the hurt in your heart. And that I should really work hard to understand you. Didn't you ask me to get into your heart after removing my shoes ?


Did you equate my preconceived notions to my shoes then ? That I should not expect you to be back as Paro. That I should just understand the spirit and soul in you. Maybe I should never put pressure on you to remember things. Maybe we should start building them back again together.


Haven't we already relived many of our small incidents together ? From protecting you from kidnappers, to your kiss to your calling me MajorSaab. Should I be content with this and build on it ? Or should I still crave for the day you will become my Paro. My Paro... Oh dear. Though it was a dream , it was so good to see you. To have you support my head when I was about to fall asleep. The glow on your face. The love in your eyes. The magnet of Paro to whom I got attracted. The selfless person that you are. Am I trying to revive your memories for my selfishness ? Or for your own good ?  Or is it for both of us ?


Should I not be around for your wedding so that you will make the right decision of not getting married to Rohit ? Or should I stop the wedding ? What if I let you make the call and you marry Rohit ? Why am I just feeling as if I am stranded in the middle of the ocean - alone - with no where to go ? Why do I feel like the person who has no water to drink though he  is in the middle of the ocean ?


PARO - please remember your Major Saab and come back to me. Please. Put me out of this misery.
 
 (to be continued ...)